Good news: The Pokémon Company released a Wiglett plush on its official Pokémon Center store. Bad news: it looks like a dick. Not a human dick, but, like, the Platonic ideal of an alien dick the U.S. government doesn’t want us to know about.

There’s not much to be done about that. The Water-type Pokémon Wiglett (not to be confused with similar-looking Ground-type Diglett; they’re a different species) is a stringy, white worm—10 1/4 inches long, to be exact, according to its Pokémon Center description. Debuting in the 2022 open-world role-playing games Pokémon Scarlet and Violet, Wiglett loves the beach, though it’s shy. It presents its cocktail sausage-shaped, pink nose proudly to society, but it buries the rest of its body deep within the sand.

The Pokémon Center accurately represents that as an oblong, sheet-white plush with a cheery pinkish tip extending from a puffy patch of ground—or a dick extending from its balls, if you glance at it really quickly.

“In any case, this long Poké Plush version of the Garden Eel Pokémon is ready to stand tall as part of your plush collection, perched on your couch, coffee table, or bookshelf,” says the Pokémon Center’s description of Wiglett.

“I should call him,” went one popular fan reaction on Twitter.

“This is going directly up my asshole,” said another equal, but opposite reaction.

In addition to its length, the $25 Wiglett plush boasts honorable girth (4 3/4 inches), embroidered, “soft fabric,” the Pokémon Center indicates, and its “bendable body lets you create custom poses.”

I also feel inclined to remind you that, while a plushie is a viable sex toy, especially for those with penises, you should not put anything without a solid base inside of you. Ignoring this warning could trigger a “vacuum effect,” as one StyleCaster article puts it, when you orgasm, potentially gluing an object to your anus. And I don’t think Wiglett can breathe in there.

 

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